How many of us betray our true, divine potential? This includes living a joyful life. One that is peaceful, in tune with our soul’s natural stages of growth, which may also include major changes. Over the past several years, I’ve gone through many phases, and because of issues of health and financial support, my choices have been limited. At least this has been my belief.
When I felt the change in my second marriage, to man who supported me and did his best to be a good husband, but something between us changed. I wasn’t sure what it was or why, but emotionally I was no longer connected to him. We both had changed just as the circumstances in our lives changed. I feel we were disappointed and perhaps disillusioned with the out come, and there was blame and regrets. My faith was tried, my love for him remained but I was not-in-love.
From going through years of stress and heartache, I felt washed away and so empty. As if my heart was like a car battery, and it just died. I felt repressed in identity and sexuality and depleted in passion, love and romance. Sometimes even when you don’t want things to change, they do. You have no control.
Further complications also changed my life. My daughter gave birth to a baby girl as a teen mom. She was unmarried, single, and afraid. When her baby was born, this beautiful little baby became a child of my own. I nurtured and loved her as my own. We bonded as a mother and her child. But she also bonded with her own mother, which was important to me that she did. So we embarked on this journey of raising Caelyn. I moved to the city of Phoenix, a stay at home caregiver while Lynsey worked a full time job. We worked through so many challenges together, and I was homesick and wanted to return to my own home in Mexico. It was difficult living in a small apartment but Caelyn’s needs were more important than my own.
I wasn’t around my husband much of the time, so we drifted further apart and I recognized the differences we had, and I looked deep into into myself and I saw how much I had changed. We now existed on two islands with a sea in-between us and I could not bridge the distance.
I fell in love with a man after I initially filed for divorce. For the first time, I felt the deepest, spiritual attraction and desire to be with him. I felt so completely in love with him…and then three months into our relationship he was diagnosed with cancer. In the end, which took 10 months he passed away. The loss literally broke my heart. Shattering into zillion shards of pain deeply embedded were tiny pieces of heartache. When he crossed over, my soul felt as though it left this physical plane to follow him. Grief stricken, I went into a deep spiritual experience, one where I lived in a realm where I could speak to him and feel his presence with me. But still, my grief was inconsolable. I lost my own will live. I felt hopeless, dark and greatly in fear of life and of death.
Ten months later I left Arizona to return to a safe haven in my home in Mexico. Drained of life, feeling like an old tree dried, limbs bare and no hope for spring I was mourning. Grief is a process, and I’ve gone through it before when my father died at age 48. I was just 19. But the sense of death and decay permeated my being long before my divorce. Meeting Greg and falling deeply into his heart and his in mine was a divine gift but one I thought would last, and then I knew he would survive the cancer. He didn’t live, and I lost my will to go on.
Ten months later, I face a near fatal tumor on the left side of my brain. One that was the size of a large lemon. In the ICU, the eve before brain surgery, I prayed. My will is so weak, what if I don’t live? My children gathered around me in panic. I knew I needed to live for them.
It took me two years to gain strength, but I felt disengaged from life. Just a day to day waking. I had to adjust to more dependency, and once again, I was telling myself. “your desires for love, romance and passion can’t be expected. Adjust to the life you have and be grateful.”
Not too long afterwards, I underwent a second surgery, and it took time to recover. Before the end of the year, my hip broke. My bones were so thin, a rod needed to be permanently in place so the bones could heal. Going through another trauma, my body felt like a train wreck. During my stay at the hospital, I caught a bacterial infection and was readmitted for another three days.
Each night I prayed “Mother Mary, pray for me.” I completely surrendered to God’s Will and took a leap of faith. No matter my losses and changes and transformations occurring in my life, there is one thing I know, my deepest desires matter. With all my strength, and knowledge, I focus on my intent – to serve God according to my Heavenly Father/Mother God’s Divine Will.
I face each day with prayer, and direct my attention to what I want, and what is best for my highest good.
Intuitively, I allow my inner Voice and my soul to guide me. And when cleansing is needed, I invoke the power of Light and Love and allow the hurt to wash through me like waves crashing against the shore and washing back to the sea.
I open my heart to receive love, and focus on bringing my partner into my life, as I fill my heart with joy and gratitude. I am worthy. I am deserving.
Live in the presence of your essence, be fully aware of this moment and what you want to create.
My mantra each day is: “It is already done. thank you God.”
Remember, you are the feminine power of manifestation. You co-create with God but your heart must be filled with high vibrations of love, joy, gratitude and acceptance if you are to attract those higher qualities and gifts of abundance in your life. Trust in God’s Universe. Know that you are an Energy Being in an energetic world.
Come fly with me, ignite the power of your dreams!
Believe in your dreams. Believe in the power of healing and know that through our cold winters, life is still within us, waiting for spring. You deserve the joy found in letting go of the pain.
I began my journey with faith and determination to understand my behavior, and digging deep to heal the layers of hurt tracing back to my childhood.
I learned the power in forgiving, and allowing my Higher Self to guide me through every step of healing. Healing is about loving yourself and taking all the fragmented pieces broken from the pain of abuse and integrating them into your true Self.
What we are most afraid of we must face – bring that pain into the Light of Love and release it.
Loving and forgiving (which does not mean accepting abuse or the pain you have suffered.) It means you don’t hold on to it – you free yourself by allowing Love to erase and heal the wounds.
Layer by layer of releasing and healing, you let love define you – who you really are, and take control of your life – your happiness – your well-being.
The empowerment you seek is within you, and deep down what we search for, long for and deserve is to feel SELF LOVE.
Long winters awaiting spring can’t be rushed or forced. Nature knows when seasons change and the wait is filled with the unexpected. So it is with us. We change. We have our seasons but don’t always know how to do so gracefully. Painful loss depletes the heart, and something of great value is lost inside the decay. Long winters seem timeless as the heart aches to feel, yet, again – something – more – than – loss!
The journey can seem unbearable, the future uncertain, and the past undecided. How to leave it behind or hold on to what could have been can be traumatic and difficult to work through.
Life revolves around change but it isn’t always clear to see the barriers, or the lessons to be mastered. This is when I felt despair entrapped in a circle going around with no exit.
What was it that I was missing or not able to release. Inside, where all life matters, I felt disengaged, alone and afraid in darkness.
So many seasons had passed through me. Phases of my life scattered into many pieces that had no meaning when love died. Seasons of growing up, searching for direction, my own identity, confidence and happiness mixed together with heartbreak culminated into something completely unexpected. Divorce. Raising children. Complicated with rebellion, struggling to gain a foot hold and then…a new relationship. Marriage. I began to see light and a way to achieve my dream.
Writing about the past helped me to find understanding, forgiveness and a new feeling of freedom. No longer a battered wife, I worked my way through healing and trusting in love again.
Together, we formed a partnership of raising my six children through the challenges known to parents of children with addictions…children who had been abused. Children who were hurting and finding ways to escape the pain.
This was also a time of excitement, a time of peace to clear a passage to a sacred space. I found a new woman existed in me. She was beautiful, kind, and strong but unwittingly resistant to the forces against her. And today, she still regrets her frailty to withstand the stress. It is a past clouded with many choices and consequences that framed her children’s world.
Consequences that came after a direction she once chose that had to be lived through to find healing…and to find her way, she embraced her spiritual path.
Leaving no stone unturned, I faced the shadows in me. I faced my childhood nightmares, my regrets as a young woman now aging through the years.
Standing against the wind, I would either remain grounded or uprooted and forever lost in the complexities of circumstances beyond my control.
My marriage remained intact in spite of the stress and day-to-day survival of raising my children. My dreams still in reach and hope against the odds.
Then when least expected, I felt withered and dry. Battle fatigued and perhaps resentful that so much of me washed away over time. The answer appeared to be in divorce, separation away from all the stress. Leaving everyone else behind, I needed renewal and revival. Instead, I found a dark world awaited as I went through transformational change.
I found new love, and then he was taken to the other side. Grief stricken, I returned home to my family and found support. I also came close to death from a brain tumor. Once again, I felt drained from all hope and winter returned. Recovery was long and filled with more challenges. And as I write, I’m now recovering from a broken hip.
All I have wanted is to feel nourished and strengthened and to feel joy. Joy, the heart’s song, the vibration that echoes through the Universe cultivating love in its purest form.
I’m finding joy again. I can feel my heart beat. I feel a closeness to God without fearing life or death and all of the heartache that comes with our natural existence. I feel fluttering butterflies awaiting the freshness of spring.
Joy! Creative joyfulness from beautiful heartbreak. I’ve felt the roots of my existence ripped from security and dependency to stand firm in faith. Now, gently, I feel my face against the sunlight – my heart open to receive.
I will hold to this Light, draw it into me, its rays are the nourishment needed to break through the barriers. The dry soil of the soul. This Light is healing. I feel like the seedling unafraid of new growth. Unafraid of the present, the moment of truth. Who am I and for what purpose have I journeyed this far?
I’m finding joy in my existence. I’m finding rebirth and what it is to be a new woman aged gracefully from turbulence and strengthened by hope and faith – this is the power of Love.
I’ve been following the Jodi Arias murder trial and whether she is innocent or guilty, a victim of domestic violence or not…attention is focused on the reality of toxic relationships. Without a doubt, Jodi is mentally disturbed, a stalker, obsessed with her relationship with Travis and possibly capable of murder.
There are real victims of domestic violence be they male or female and the origination of the “attraction” to toxic relationships runs deep between both victims. In understanding the background of Jodi’s childhood, and that of Travis Alexander, we are able to understand a little more about the trauma and how it effects children differently. And we need to understand why victims become involved in relationships involving domestic violence and/or fatalities.
Travis is a victim of intimate violence but something turned Jodi into someone so disturbed she allegedly stabbed and put a bullet through his head. This combination of two people involved in such a relationship needs our attention but to use the “battered woman syndrome” as a defense when it isn’t real is a travesty for victims who suffer from the hands of those who are capable of beating, raping, battering or murder.
I believe Jodi was a victim of abuse. As a child, she must have experienced trauma that affected her in ways that twisted her mind….victims of childhood abuse (like her) are a real danger, and a threat to women, mothers, daughters, sisters and even men as they become entangled in toxic relationships.
How we do prevent fatalities and the abuse cycle from continuing? If we don’t protect our children and provide the healing they need, the cycle will continue. We need more action, understanding, and mental health access for victims.
There are children who are in extreme circumstances of violence. Women (and men) who are true sufferers of the “battered woman syndrome.” I want the focus to be on the real victims and justice to be served for those who commit the crimes.
I’ve lived through the violence, and I’m a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. And it’s always the victims fault!
What I’ve learned is how important it is for us, as a society, to speak up, stand up, and take more action to heal our families. We need to recognize the signs of abuse and provide the protection, education and healing necessary to make a difference for each child, and each victim of abuse.
Media may sensationalize murders such as the Travis Alexander travesty but we need to remember who the real victims are, why it happens, and know that it is happening. Even now as I write someone fears for their life, a girl is sexually assaulted, a woman is being beaten and a child is being hurt. The rippling affect is realized in school rooms, on the streets and behind closed doors.
There is hope and there is the power to change the direction in which we are sliding. But we need to take action. We need to say NO MORE.
For those who are involved in toxic relationships, get help. And for both men and women, we need to recognize the imbalance that exists and work towards equality, compassion and truly express unconditional love and acceptance for our differences.